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Jesuit Social Services An initiative of Jesuit Social Services

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Your sexual thoughts

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We are here to help you.

If you’re worried about your sexual thoughts about children, it is okay to reach out for help. Having these thoughts does not mean you will act on them. Some people experience thoughts they do not choose or do not want. What matters most is what you decide to do next. 

You have the ability to choose how you manage these thoughts. With the right information and support, people can and do manage their thoughts safely. We are here to provide anonymous and non-judgemental support and guidance to help you stay in control, manage these thoughts, and build a positive life, free from harm. 

Call our free and anonymous helpline on 1800 01 1800.  

Self-help for people worried about their sexual thoughts or behaviour towards children

You can explore Stop It Now! UK & Ireland’s self-help modules, which guide you through exercises that may help you address some of the thoughts you are experiencing. We recommend working through them in order, but you can start with the ones that feel most important to you.  

We encourage you to explore all sections, even if you feel confident in some areas, as they may still offer useful insights.  

The self-help modules provide guidance on: 

  • Understanding sexual thoughts 
  • Managing fantasies and urges 
  • Reducing reinforcement patterns 
  • Strengthening protective choices 
Access the self-help modules

You may also find the following information particularly helpful. This guidance below builds on the self-help modules and provides practical strategies to help you manage your thoughts, reduce risk and make safer choices.

Sexual thoughts can feel powerful, but they are not the same as actions. What matters most is how you respond to them. 

You may not be able to control whether a sexual thought about children appears. But you can learn to manage how you engage with that thought. You can learn how to manage fantasies, reduce urges, and strengthen your ability to choose safe behaviour. 

With practice, inappropriate fantasies can become less frequent and less intense.

Thoughts and urges don’t happen in isolation. They are often linked to triggers. Triggers are situations, emotions, routines, or times of day that make them more likely. 

Triggers can be: 

  • External (e.g. certain environments, online activity, contact with children) 
  • Internal (e.g. loneliness, stress, boredom, anger) 

A simple but powerful step is to start noticing patterns. 

When a thought or urge happens, write down: 

  • What time it was 
  • What was happening 
  • How you were feeling beforehand 
  • What you did next 

Over time, this becomes a roadmap. You’ll start to see patterns, and patterns give you the chance to plan ahead. 

Fantasies are different from sexual thoughts. Fantasies are something we consciously engage with and develop. 

When sexual fantasies involve children, they strengthen an association between arousal and something illegal and harmful. Repeatedly engaging with these fantasies — especially alongside sexual gratification — reinforces that link. 

The good news is that this link is not fixed. It can become weaker over time. 

When you stop engaging with a harmful fantasy and instead redirect to something appropriate or neutral, the connection reduces over time. Like any habit, what you practice grows stronger. What you stop practicing becomes weaker. 

Over time, this becomes a roadmap. You’ll start to see patterns, and patterns give you the chance to plan ahead. 

A Practical Strategy: Delay, Distract, Decide 

When an urge to engage in a harmful sexual fantasy or to engage in other harmful behaviour arises, treat it like a wave. It builds, peaks and then passes. Urges do not last forever.

Pause. Tell yourself you will not act right now. Even delaying by 10–15 minutes weakens the link between urge and behaviour. Each time you delay, you strengthen self-control. 

Shift your attention fully to something else: 

  • Call someone and focus on the conversation 
  • Leave the room or close the laptop 
  • Go for a brisk walk 
  • Do a puzzle, cook, exercise 
  • Journal your thoughts – observe your triggers and write down when the thought or urge happens to start noticing a pattern.  
  • Use grounding techniques (5-4-3-2-1: name things you can see, hear, feel) 

Distraction works best when it is active and absorbing. 

When the intensity has reduced, reflect: 

  • What kind of person do I want to be? 
  • What are my values? 
  • What are the short- and long-term consequences of acting on this urge if it was to return? 
  • What would I feel tomorrow if I acted? What would I feel if I didn’t? 

Many people find it helpful to write down short coping statements that remind them why staying safe matters to them. 

You Can Strengthen This Skill 

The more times you ride out an urge without acting, the weaker it becomes. The “waves” get smaller and further apart. Managing urges is a skill and like any skill, it improves with practice. 

If you would like structured guidance, the self-help modules (developed by Stop It Now! UK & Ireland) walk you step-by-step through building a personalised plan. 

You can call us 1800 01 1800 for anonymous help and advice. 

You don’t have to figure this out on your own. Taking steps to manage your thoughts is a responsible and protective choice.  

Personal Safety Planning

Staying safe isn’t just about managing thoughts in the moment. It’s about building a life that makes unsafe behaviour less likely. A Personal Safety Plan helps you prepare before risk increases. It gives you clarity, structure, and control. 

Evidence shows that people are more likely to stay safe and offence-free when they: 

  • Reduce isolation and secrecy 
  • Manage difficult emotions in healthy ways 
  • Put clear boundaries in place around children and online behaviour 
  • Develop safe adult, age-appropriate relationships 
  • Identify early warning signs (triggers) and act early 
How can I create a Personal Safety Plan? 

A strong safety plan includes: 

  1. Your known triggers (e.g. emotional states, situations, online behaviours) 
  2. Clear boundaries (e.g. no unsupervised contact, avoiding specific online spaces) 
  3. Coping strategies for high-risk moments (e.g. fantasy management techniques) 
  4. Support contacts you can reach out to 

Planning ahead reduces impulsivity and increases your sense of control. 

You can start building your Personal Safety Plan by using the framework below. 

Identify patterns that increase vulnerability. 

  • What emotions tend to come first? (e.g. loneliness, stress, boredom, anger) 
  • What environments increase risk? (e.g. being alone online, certain times of day) 
  • Are there routines that allow for more risky behaviour? 

Awareness reduces surprise. When you know your patterns, you can plan ahead. 

Write down firm, non-negotiable rules for yourself. 

For example: 

  • No unsupervised contact with children 
  • No entering online spaces where children are present 
  • No searching for risky or triggering content 
  • Leaving situations that increase urges 

Clear boundaries reduce decision-making in high-risk moments.

What will you do when you notice warning signs? 

  • Who can you contact for support? 
  • What distraction or grounding techniques will you use? 
  • What physical action will you take? (e.g. shut laptop, leave the room, go outside) 

Acting early is much easier than trying to regain control at peak intensity. 

Safety increases when you: 

  • Reduce isolation 
  • Build healthy adult relationships 
  • Manage difficult emotions in positive ways 
  • Structure your time 
  • Stay connected to your values 

Ask yourself: What makes me feel more protected and more stable? Add more of that into your week. 

Your safety plan should be written down, specific and realistic. Review it regularly. Adjust it as you learn more about yourself. 

Planning ahead is a sign of responsibility and commitment to living safely. 

Obsessive compulsive disorder

Some people who feel distressed about sexual thoughts involving children may be experiencing a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). In these cases, the thoughts are intrusive, unwanted and anxiety-provoking and the person is not sexually aroused by them. 

If your thoughts feel intrusive, repetitive and extremely distressing and you are not aroused by them, we recommend speaking with a GP or mental health professional. The self-help modules on this site are not designed to treat OCD specifically. 

Read more about this specific form of OCD and where to get help. You don’t have to manage this alone. 

Need help? We’re here to talk through your concerns 

We understand that this can feel overwhelming and isolating to be worried about your thoughts. If that’s been your experience, you’re not alone. 

Speaking to someone can feel like a big step, but it is also a really positive step. Our team is here to support you in finding practical, realistic ways to stay safe and in control, and to build a positive life. 

Call our free, anonymous helpline on 1800 01 1800 for advice, support and information.

Disclaimer 

Before you continue using this website, please read our disclaimer. 

On this website, “child” or “children” refers to anyone under the age of 18.